Coaching practices for Shamatha the Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding After a Loss

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • Half my sessions I’m so foggy and heavy I’m basically dozing, and the other half my mind is racing and won’t sit still
  • The harder I try to force my mind to be still, the more wound up and restless it gets, and I leave most sessions frustrated that I couldn’t make it calm down
  • When I try to focus on nothing my mind just floods with everything, and I have no idea what to even rest my attention on
  • Whenever I let myself remember that everything I love is temporary, it doesn’t make me grateful, it makes me clutch and dread
  • Something I built my life around has ended

Practices that may help

  1. Shamatha: The Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding
    Shamatha (calm abiding) is the foundational Buddhist concentration practice: the mind is trained to rest stably on a single object, repeatedly returning when it wanders, until sustained and effortless attention becomes available. The practice is described across all Tibetan, Theravada, and Zen traditions. Modern attention research confirms that this kind of repeated noticing-and-returning strengthens the neural circuits underlying sustained attention and metacognitive monitoring.
  2. Balance torpor and agitation
    When the mind dulls, energise it; when it races, settle it.
    Shamatha: The Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding
  3. Let the mind settle of its own accord
    Rather than forcing stillness, create conditions where the mind naturally quiets.
    Shamatha: The Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding
  4. Use the breath as the primary anchor
    Rest attention gently on the sensations of breathing — not on the idea of breathing.
    Shamatha: The Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding
  5. Hold impermanence without grief
    Practice keeping the awareness of impermanence in the background — not a meditation on loss but a light on presence.
    The Last Time Meditation
  6. Reframing loss as transformation
    When something ends or is lost, practise asking what it is becoming rather than only mourning what it was.
    Zhuangzi and the Practice of Perspective Shift
  7. After RAIN: resting in natural, open awareness
    After the four steps, rest in the open awareness that remains — not returning immediately to doing.
    RAIN Meditation: Tara Brach’s Four-Step Practice
  8. Distinguish applying from sustaining attention
    First, aim attention at the object (applying); then, stay with it without tightening (sustaining).
    Shamatha: The Buddhist Practice of Calm Abiding
  9. Non-grasping awareness: letting arise and pass
    Watch thoughts, sensations, and emotions arise and dissolve without grabbing or pushing.
    Shikantaza: Just Sitting
  10. Prepare for tonglen with a brief equanimity grounding
    Entering tonglen from a grounded, spacious state makes the practice sustainable rather than destabilising.
    Tonglen: The Tibetan Practice of Taking and Sending

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