Coaching practices for The Ladder of Regulation Navigating Your Autonomic States with My Partner

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • Whenever I let myself touch the hard feeling at all, I get pulled all the way under and flooded
  • I can tell something’s off in my body but I can’t name it — am I wound up or shut down?
  • When I’m rattled I tend to isolate, but I’ve noticed even a few minutes near a certain calm person settles me in a way I can’t do alone
  • When I’m wound up, "everything is urgent and someone’s to blame" feels like the plain truth, and when I’m low, "nothing matters" feels just as true
  • My heart’s going, my thoughts are racing, everything feels urgent and like a threat

Practices that may help

  1. The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
    The ladder of regulation, developed by Deb Dana from Stephen Porges’s polyvagal theory, is a map of three autonomic states — ventral vagal (safe and social), sympathetic (mobilized), and dorsal vagal (shutdown) — arranged as rungs. Knowing which rung you’re on and which direction to move gives you a practical framework for state navigation rather than white-knuckling through dysregulation.
  2. Pendulation: moving between states gently
    Shift between a regulated and a less regulated state in small steps rather than forcing a leap.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  3. Identify your current rung
    Before trying to change your state, learn to read which of the three rungs you’re on right now.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  4. Using social engagement to activate ventral vagal tone
    Seek out or create interactions that deliver prosodic and facial safety cues to your nervous system.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  5. Ladder narrative mapping: finding the story your state tells
    Identify the specific beliefs and stories that your nervous system generates on each rung.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  6. Sympathetic-to-ventral moves: downshifting mobilization
    Use specific physiological levers to move from an activated (fight/flight) state toward the ventral vagal zone.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  7. Dorsal vagal lift: moving out of shutdown
    Use gentle movement and micro-connection to rise from a collapsed or numb state.
    The Ladder of Regulation: Navigating Your Autonomic States
  8. Shift from one-person to two-person psychology
    Stop managing your distress alone and start managing it together.
    Secure-Functioning Relationships
  9. Self-soothing during conflict instead of demanding partner regulate you
    Calm your own nervous system in the moment, rather than requiring your partner to change so you can feel better.
    Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
  10. Catch co-dysregulation before it spirals
    Two activated nervous systems feed each other — notice the loop and have one person step out.
    Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm From Another Nervous System

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