Coaching practices for I Keep Telling Myself I Shouldn't Be This Wrecked When Other People Have Lost So Much More and That Comparison Shames Me Out of My Own Grief Before I've Even Let Myself Feel it
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For I Keep Telling Myself I Shouldn't Be This Wrecked When Other People Have Lost So Much More and That Comparison Shames Me Out of My Own Grief Before I've Even Let Myself Feel it, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be this wrecked when other people have lost so much more
- I’m spiraling over how much further ahead everyone seems, and somewhere underneath I know I’ve actually got a lot to be grateful for
- Everyone keeps telling me to move on and get over the loss, but the grief is huge and it won’t go
- I’ve kept this loss a secret because I’m bracing for someone to brush it off, but holding it in is its own weight
- When someone I know succeeds, my gut reaction is this clench, like they just took something off the table that was supposed to be mine
Practices that may help
- Validate your own grief without waiting for external permission
Give yourself the recognition that society has withheld — your loss is real because it matters to you.
Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical - Use downward comparison with care
Occasionally — not constantly — compare to those facing greater difficulty to restore perspective without becoming dismissive.
The Comparison Trap - Treating grief as a form of gratitude
When something ends and you feel grief, recognise that the grief is proportional to the love — and let it be both.
Mono no Aware: The Pathos of Things - Practice speaking about the loss to people outside your immediate circle
Gradually widen the circle of people who know about the loss and can offer recognition.
Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical - Practice the abundance reframe
Remind yourself that others’ success does not diminish the supply available to you.
The Comparison Trap - Find a community that recognises your specific loss
Seek out people who have experienced the same type of loss — online or in person.
Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical - Invoke common humanity in a moment of shame
When you feel like a uniquely pathetic failure, remind yourself this is shared human experience.
Working With Your Inner Critic - Task 2: Work through the pain of grief
Allow and process the emotional and physical pain of loss rather than bypassing it.
Worden’s Tasks of Mourning, Made Practical - Finish the sentence: "Others also feel this when..."
Complete a specific bridge between your pain and others' shared experience.
Common Humanity, Made Practical - Name the loss and its disenfranchisement explicitly
Say directly what was lost and that others may not recognise its significance — to yourself first.
Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical
Related concerns
- Denial In Grief
Move from intellectual acknowledgement to full emotional acceptance that the person is gone.
Task 1: Accept the full reality of the loss
- Disenfranchised Grief Self Compassion
Disenfranchised grief, named by Kenneth Doka, refers to grief for losses that are not socially acknowledged, publicly mourned, or openly supported — the death of a pet, an ex-partner, a miscarriage, an estranged parent, or any relationship the community does not sanction. Because social support is a major resource for grief, its absence compounds the loss and can complicate the grieving process significantly.
- Disenfranchised Grief When Overwhelmed
Disenfranchised grief, named by Kenneth Doka, refers to grief for losses that are not socially acknowledged, publicly mourned, or openly supported — the death of a pet, an ex-partner, a miscarriage, an estranged parent, or any relationship the community does not sanction. Because social support is a major resource for grief, its absence compounds the loss and can complicate the grieving process significantly.
- Finding Grief Support
Seek out people who have experienced the same type of loss — online or in person.
Find a community that recognises your specific loss
- Grief Without Support
Seek out people who have experienced the same type of loss — online or in person.
- Hidden Grief
Gradually widen the circle of people who know about the loss and can offer recognition.
Practice speaking about the loss to people outside your immediate circle
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