Coaching practices for I Follow a Set of Unwritten Rules in My Roles So Automatically I've Never Asked If They're Even Mine and I'm So Defined by What Others Expect of Me That I Can't Tell Where Their Expectations End and I Begin
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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I follow a set of unwritten rules in my roles so automatically I’ve never asked if they’re even mine, and I’m so defined by what others expect of me that I can’t tell where their expectations end and I begin.
- The role that told me who I was just ended
- I’m torn over a decision and I genuinely can’t tell if I want this or if I just want them to approve
- When demands pull me in different directions I just bend toward whichever voice is loudest, because I’ve never actually pinned down my own criteria
- I keep telling myself "it has to be this way" and "that’s just not an option," and I’ve never once stopped to write down those rules and ask whether the problem actually imposed them or whether I just assumed them.
Practices that may help
- Practice third-order perspective-taking
Step outside your relationships and social roles to see them as one perspective rather than as your identity.
Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical - Anchor self-definition in values, not roles
Define yourself by what you stand for rather than by the roles you play — roles change; values endure.
Self-Concept Clarity, Made Practical - Locate where you’re authored from
Notice whether your current decision is driven by others’ expectations or by your own internal standard.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Write your own internal standard
Articulate the values and criteria you’ll use to judge your own choices, independent of approval.
Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind - Make your constraints explicit before solving
Write out every assumption and rule you are treating as fixed — most problem-solvers carry invisible constraints they never surface.
Constraint Relaxation: Escaping the Walls You Built Yourself - Develop your own compass for decisions
Build a personal value system that guides decisions independently of social approval.
Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical - Clarify what people can decide without asking
Define the fence: what decisions can anyone on the team make without checking in?
Delegation Levels, Made Practical - Conduct a regular examined-life audit
Periodically ask: which of the beliefs I am living by have I actually examined, and which am I just inheriting?
The Socratic Method, Made Practical - Identify the constraint you invented: ask "who said it had to be this way?"
Name one element of your creative work you have never questioned and spend 20 minutes treating it as optional.
The Beginner’s Mind in Creative Practice - Negotiate roles and responsibilities explicitly
Make implicit expectations explicit so resentment doesn’t fill the gap.
The Shared Meaning System
Related concerns
- Leader Self Vs Role
Define yourself by what you stand for rather than by the roles you play — roles change; values endure.
Anchor self-definition in values, not roles
- Self Authorship Moving From The Socialized To The Self Authored Mind As A Caregiver
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Socialized Mind Self Authoring
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Socialized Mind Vs Self Authored Mind
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
- Values Vs Roles Self Definition
Define yourself by what you stand for rather than by the roles you play — roles change; values endure.
- What Is The Self Authoring Mind Kegan Stage 4
Self-authorship, from Robert Kegan’s adult-development theory, is the capacity to generate your own internal standard for decisions rather than being defined by others’ expectations. It marks the shift from the "socialized mind" (made up by your environment) to the "self-authored mind" (author of your own values). It is a developmental theory describing how grown adults keep growing, not a quick technique.
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