Default to assuming you’ve been misunderstood

After any important message, assume it landed differently than you intended — then check.

Why it works

The bias operates through overconfidence: we feel understood because the relationship is close, regardless of whether the message was actually received. Deliberately defaulting to the assumption of misunderstanding inverts this overconfidence and replaces it with a verification habit. Cognitive research shows that actively considering alternative interpretations reduces egocentric anchoring — the tendency to assume our own perspective is shared.

How to do it

1. After communicating something important, pause and ask yourself: "How many ways could that be heard differently?"
2. Invite your partner to reflect back what they understood — not "Did you get that?" but "What did you hear me saying?"
3. If their reflection differs, treat it as information rather than a failure on either side.
4. Make this a norm in both directions: neither partner is expected to read minds.

Evidence

Keysar’s experimental research found that people with close others significantly overestimated communication accuracy, and that this overconfidence was not reduced by actual shared knowledge. (rct)

The research is experimental (lab studies); generalizing to naturalistic relationship communication is reasonable given the robustness across contexts, but field evidence is more limited.

Sources

• Keysar & Henly (2002), "Speakers’ Overestimation of Their Effectiveness," Psychological Science
• Savitsky, Keysar, Epley, Carter & Swanson (2011), closeness-communication bias, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology

Common mistake

Asking "Did you understand?" instead of "What did you understand?" — the first invites a yes/no that confirms nothing; the second reveals the actual mental model.