Celebrate and reinforce moments of secure connection

When you get it right -- when you reach and are met -- name it and savour it.

Why it works

Moments of genuine secure connection -- where reaching was met with care -- are the data points the attachment system uses to update its predictions. If these moments pass without being consciously registered, they have less impact on the working model than they should. Naming and savoring them helps the brain encode them as significant experiences that build the new relational expectation.

How to do it

1. When a moment of genuine connection happens -- a disclosure was received, a need was met -- name it briefly: that felt good. That is what I need.
2. Ask your partner what the moment was like for them.
3. Take a few seconds to let the feeling land before moving on.
4. Revisit it later: remember last week when we talked about that? That matters to me.

Evidence

Savoring positive experiences is supported by well-being research as a way to consolidate positive events in memory; the application to attachment moments is consistent with the working-model update mechanism in attachment theory. (mechanistic)

The savoring literature supports registering positive experiences more deeply; the specific application to attachment moments updating working models is principled but not directly trialed.

Sources

• Bryant & Veroff (2007), Savoring: A New Model of Positive Experience

Common mistake

Allowing a genuine moment of connection to pass unacknowledged because it feels awkward to name it -- which leaves the most important relationship data unprocessed.