Don’t make it about you

Resist the reflex to relate by topping their story with your own.

Why it works

Sharing "the same thing happened to me" feels like connection but usually redirects the spotlight onto you, leaving the person to attend to your experience instead of their own. Sociologists call this "conversational narcissism" — the subtle shifting of the turn back to oneself. Holding space means keeping the attention on them, even when your own memory is loudly relevant.

How to do it

1. Notice the urge to say "that reminds me of when I…" and hold it.
2. Keep returning the focus to them with questions and reflections, not your parallel story.
3. Share your own experience only if it clearly serves them and they’re ready to hear it.

Evidence

Charles Derber’s sociological work describes "conversational narcissism" — the shift-response that redirects attention to the listener. It’s an observational/descriptive concept; applying it to holding space is mechanistic. (mechanistic)

Well-timed self-disclosure can deepen connection; the problem is the reflexive shift that hijacks the turn, not all sharing.

Sources

• Derber, "The Pursuit of Attention" — shift response vs. support response in conversation

Common mistake

Trying to show empathy by matching their story with your own ("oh I know exactly, when I…"), which quietly steals the focus they needed to keep.