Cultivating complicity: shared secret aliveness

Build a private world of in-jokes, gestures, and references that only you two share.

Why it works

Complicity is the felt sense of being co-conspirators — together against, or together apart from, the ordinary world. This private language and shared reference system is a form of intimacy that is both bonding and erotic: it signals "we have a world together." When couples lose complicity, they often remain close but feel more like co-managers than lovers.

How to do it

1. Identify two or three current examples of complicity you already have — moments where your shared code is alive.
2. Deliberately add to the private vocabulary rather than letting it fossilize: reference a new shared experience with a name.
3. Create a small ritual that is specifically for the two of you and invisible to others.
4. When in a group, allow moments of genuine private connection — a look, a gesture — without performing it for the group.

Evidence

Relationship-specific humor, shared private worlds, and "we-ness" are consistently associated with relationship satisfaction in couples research. Gottman’s Love Maps concept captures the same territory from a different angle. (observational)

Complicity as Perel frames it is a clinical concept; the supporting literature is on relationship-specific intimacy and humor rather than complicity directly.

Common mistake

Keeping the private world entirely retrospective ("remember when") rather than building new shared references — complicity is alive only when it’s being created, not just remembered.