Imagine the absence of a key relationship

Vividly imagine your life without a person you love — specifically, in detail, what would be missing.

Why it works

Relationships are among the domains most heavily affected by hedonic adaptation: the presence of a partner, friend, or family member becomes so familiar that it effectively disappears from conscious appreciation. Imagining their absence — concretely and specifically — temporarily restores the contrast that makes their presence feel new, which is the mechanism by which love renewed is experienced rather than performed.

How to do it

1. Choose one person whose presence in your life you take for granted.
2. Spend 5–10 minutes writing what your life would look like, feel like, and sound like without them.
3. Include practical details (who would you call when X happens?) and emotional ones (who knows you the way they do?).
4. Return to your actual life and let 2 minutes pass before interacting with or thinking about them.

Evidence

Mental subtraction of a close relationship was tested in the Koo et al. study; the relationship subtraction condition produced strong positive affect increases. Relationship quality research also finds that appreciation expression predicts relationship satisfaction over time. (rct)

The Koo et al. study measured immediate affect; long-term effects on relationship quality from regular application of this practice have not been studied.

Sources

• Koo, Algoe, Wilson & Gilbert (2008), It’s a wonderful life, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Common mistake

Replacing the exercise with sentimental warmth ("I appreciate them so much") before completing the subtraction — the emotional payoff comes after the specific, vivid absence has been imagined, not in lieu of it.