Make extra deposits during difficult life periods

External stress drains PSO — consciously increase positive interactions when life is hard.

Why it works

Major stressors (job loss, illness, a move, a family crisis) predictably erode positive interaction rates because attention and energy go to the stressor. The relationship is running on the reserve of PSO built before the stress hit. If that reserve was thin to begin with, a sustained stressor can tip a relationship into NSO without any specific conflict being the culprit. Recognizing this and making deliberate deposits during stressful periods prevents the drift rather than requiring repair after it.

How to do it

1. When a major stressor begins, name it as a risk to relational connection: "This is going to be a hard stretch — let’s be deliberate."
2. Agree on a simple deposit: a daily brief check-in, a physical reconnection moment at the end of the day.
3. Lower the bar for what counts as quality time — ten connected minutes beats an elaborate date that’s too exhausting to organize.
4. Check in weekly: "Are we staying connected enough? What do you need right now?"

Evidence

External stress is a documented risk factor for relationship quality, with life events predicting relationship deterioration in longitudinal studies. Couple-directed coping — facing stressors as a team — is associated with buffered effects of stress on relationship satisfaction. (observational)

Correlation-based; the direction of effect (whether dyadic coping protects relationships, or better relationships produce better coping) is not fully established.

Sources

• Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. In Couples coping with stress. American Psychological Association.

Common mistake

Treating the relationship as the lowest priority during a hard period ("we’ll reconnect once this is over") — hard periods rarely end cleanly, and the damage to PSO often outlasts them.