Close the ideal-self gap through growth, not erasure

When you fall short of your ideal self, the response is building toward it — not abandoning the ideal or condemning the actual.

Why it works

Ideal-self discrepancies produce dejection partly because they represent the absence of positive outcomes — wanted experiences that are not there. The adaptive response is not to lower the ideal or suppress the dejection but to move toward the ideal through specific, achievable steps. Each step reduces the gap and generates positive reinforcement from progress — the improvement loops that Higgins’s promotion-focus model predicts are most effective for dejection-related distress.

How to do it

1. For one quality in your ideal-self gap, identify the smallest behavioral step that moves toward it.
2. Set a 30-day micro-experiment: one specific action, three times per week, that expresses that ideal quality.
3. After 30 days, rewrite the actual-self description for that quality — has it updated?
4. Repeat with the next quality, rather than trying to close all gaps simultaneously.

Evidence

Promotion-focus research (Higgins’s regulatory focus theory) shows that approach-oriented, advancement-framed strategies best address dejection from ideal-self discrepancies, whereas prevention-framed strategies are counterproductive for this type. (observational)

Regulatory focus theory has robust support; the specific sequencing of growth steps as an intervention for ideal-self dejection is a reasoned extrapolation from the theory.

Sources

• Higgins (1997), "Beyond pleasure and pain", American Psychologist

Common mistake

Trying to suppress the dejection caused by the ideal-self gap (via positive thinking or avoidance) rather than reducing the gap itself — suppression maintains the discrepancy and prolongs the dejection.