Seek accurate feedback, not exclusively positive feedback

Train yourself to want feedback that is true over feedback that feels good.

Why it works

Self-verification research shows that what people want from feedback is predictability — they want to be known accurately, not just praised. Reframing the goal of feedback from "praise" to "calibration" removes the coherence threat: accurate feedback, even when positive, doesn’t feel like pressure to become someone else. It just updates your map.

How to do it

1. Before requesting feedback, write down what you most need to know, not what you most need to hear.
2. After receiving feedback, assess it by accuracy ("Is this true?") before you assess it by valence ("Is this good?").
3. Build relationships with one or two people you trust to be honest rather than uniformly encouraging.

Evidence

Swann’s work shows that people rate feedback partners more positively when those partners’ appraisals are accurate, even when accurate means negative — direct evidence that accuracy is itself a desired property of feedback. (observational)

Lab findings; the preference for accuracy may weaken under conditions of high threat or in relationships where positive regard feels scarce.

Sources

• Swann & Read (1981), "Self-verification processes", Journal of Experimental Social Psychology

Common mistake

Surrounding yourself with only affirming voices, which satisfies the need to be known but not the need to be accurate — leaving blind spots intact.