Turn toward bids for connection

Respond to small, everyday bids for attention as if they matter — because they do.

Why it works

A "bid" in Gottman’s framework is any attempt to connect — a comment about the weather, pointing at something interesting, a touch on the shoulder. Partners can turn toward (engage), turn away (ignore), or turn against (react negatively). Gottman found that "turning toward" was one of the strongest predictors of relationship stability because bids are the basic currency of emotional connection. Each turned-away bid slightly lowers the sense of being seen; patterns of turning away accumulate into emotional distance.

How to do it

1. Notice bids — they are often indirect or low-key ("look at that bird" is a bid).
2. Respond to at least the presence of the bid even when you can’t fully engage: "I want to hear that — give me two minutes."
3. Respond physically, not just verbally: look up, turn your body.
4. At day’s end, think of one bid you turned away and repair it with a question.

Evidence

Gottman’s observational research found that couples who eventually divorced showed significantly lower rates of turning toward bids compared to stable couples — a finding robust across multiple longitudinal studies in the Seattle Love Lab. (observational)

Observational and correlational; turning toward bids predicts relationship stability but this does not prove it is the causal lever, or that drilling it alone produces change.

Sources

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.

Common mistake

Waiting for big moments to show up for your partner and missing the dozens of small bids each day — the ratio is built in the ordinary, not the dramatic.