Make and accept repair attempts

Use small gestures — humor, apology, a softened tone — to de-escalate mid-conflict.

Why it works

A repair attempt is any move that tries to lower tension before it spirals — a joke, an "I’m sorry," reaching for a hand. In Gottman’s research, what mattered wasn’t avoiding conflict but whether couples could repair within it; successful repair keeps disagreement from hardening into damage.

How to do it

1. Offer a small de-escalating gesture when you feel the temperature rising.
2. Watch for your partner’s repair attempts and accept them, even imperfect ones.
3. Agree on a shared "repair phrase" you both recognize as a bid to reset.

Evidence

Gottman’s observational work identified the presence and acceptance of repair attempts as a key marker separating stable from distressed couples. (observational)

Repair’s importance is well observed; it works best on a foundation of overall goodwill and is harder to land where contempt is chronic.

Common mistake

Rejecting a partner’s clumsy repair attempt because it wasn’t done "right," which teaches them to stop trying.