Release the need for approval

Let people have their opinions of you — their judgment is theirs to hold, not yours to fix.

Why it works

Trying to control how others perceive you is both impossible and exhausting, since their judgments are formed by their own histories, not your performance. "Letting them" think what they will detaches your self-worth from an uncontrollable variable, which reduces the anxiety of constant impression management and frees you to act on your own values.

How to do it

1. When you catch yourself managing someone’s impression, say "let them think what they think."
2. Separate their opinion (theirs) from your actual values and conduct (yours).
3. Act from your standards rather than from a prediction of their approval.

Evidence

This applies the framework to social approval and is anecdotal as a specific technique. It aligns with the Stoic teaching that others’ opinions lie outside our control, and with research on the costs of contingent self-worth and people-pleasing. Work on contingencies of self-worth documents how staking self-esteem on others’ approval produces exactly the anxiety and vulnerability that detaching from that variable is meant to relieve. (mechanistic)

Genuine feedback still matters — "let them" shouldn’t become a wall against all input. The aim is releasing approval-seeking, not ignoring useful correction.

Sources

• Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623.

Common mistake

Swinging to "I don’t care what anyone thinks" as a defense, which dismisses even valuable feedback — release the need for approval, not your openness to learn.