Audit whether you are living your life or someone else’s

Identify the places where your choices reflect others’ expectations rather than your own values.

Why it works

Ware’s most common regret was living according to others’ expectations rather than one’s own authentic life. This regret pattern is consistent with self-determination theory: extrinsically driven behavior produces short-term social approval but chronic well-being deficits. The audit makes the discrepancy explicit — which is the prerequisite for any choice to change it.

How to do it

1. List five major commitments in your current life (career, lifestyle, relationships, geography).
2. For each, write honestly: "Did I choose this, or did I drift into it through others’ expectations — family, status norms, social pressure?"
3. Score each 1–10 on authentic alignment: 1 is "pure external expectation," 10 is "fully my own."
4. Identify the lowest-scoring item. Ask: "What would I change if the approval of others was not a factor?"

Evidence

Self-determination theory distinguishes intrinsic from extrinsically driven behavior, showing that living according to others’ standards predicts lower well-being. Ware’s qualitative data provides convergent evidence from the endpoint of life. (observational)

Ware’s data is qualitative and subject to recall bias; it captures one population (dying patients in Western contexts) and may not generalize universally. Treat it as wisdom data with high face validity.

Sources

• Ryan & Deci (2000), self-determination theory, American Psychologist
• Ware (2012), The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Common mistake

Performing the audit in theory while avoiding the items where the answer is most uncomfortable — the lowest-scoring item is the most important and the most likely to be rationalized.