Ask "How are we doing?" as a genuine question

Invite both partners to rate and describe the overall relationship state this week.

Why it works

Asking "how are we doing?" makes an implicit relational state explicit — something that both people probably have an intuitive read on but rarely articulate. Externalizing it allows both partners to compare assessments, surface discrepancies before they compound, and name low-level dissatisfaction before it has accumulated into resentment. The very act of treating the relationship as something that has a "state" that both people monitor is a behavioral expression of shared ownership.

How to do it

1. Ask each partner to give a number (1–10) for how connected they’ve felt this week.
2. Follow up with: "What would make that number higher?"
3. Listen to the answers without immediately problem-solving — understand first.
4. If the numbers diverge significantly, explore the gap with curiosity rather than challenge.

Evidence

Explicitly checking relationship state is a component of several evidence-based couples interventions (PREP, Gottman method). The mechanism — that shared awareness of relational state promotes maintenance behavior — is consistent with self-monitoring research in behavioral psychology. Gottman and Notarius’s (2000) decade review of observational marital-interaction research documents how systematically observing the couple’s interactional state became central to predicting and improving relationship outcomes. (mechanistic)

The explicit "state of the union" question is a clinical device; its specific contribution to relationship outcomes has not been isolated in controlled research.

Sources

• Gottman, J. M., & Notarius, C. I. (2000). Decade review: Observing marital interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(4), 927–947.

Common mistake

Treating the number as a score to be corrected rather than as an invitation to understand — "Why only a 6?" can become defensive if it implies the partner is accusing rather than describing.