Using values questions to deepen a conversation

Ask "what matters most to you about this?" to surface values rather than surface preferences.

Why it works

Most conversations operate at the level of stated positions ("I want X") rather than underlying values ("I want X because I need security/fairness/connection"). Moving to the values level reduces defensiveness because values are harder to argue against than positions, and reveals whether an apparent disagreement is a genuine values conflict or a shared value with different strategic views — which resolves differently.

How to do it

1. When someone states a strong preference in a conversation, ask: "What matters most to you about this?"
2. If they give another position answer, go one level deeper: "And what does that give you that’s important?"
3. Reflect the value back once it surfaces: "So what I’m hearing is that fairness here is really the core concern."
4. Test for agreement at the values level before negotiating at the position level.

Evidence

Interest-based negotiation research (Fisher & Ury) shows that agreements built on underlying interests and values are more durable and creative than position-based negotiation; this extends to values-level listening in any conversation. (clinical)

"Getting to Yes" is a practitioner framework with strong face validity; the interest/position distinction is well-established in negotiation research but varies in experimental support depending on context.

Sources

• Fisher, Ury & Patton (1991), Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In

Common mistake

Using "what matters to you?" as a rhetorical move to disarm someone rather than as a genuine inquiry — people detect instrumental curiosity, and it backfires worse than direct disagreement.