Coaching practices for Ask for Support

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Ask for Support, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• The worse I feel, the more I pull away and try to white-knuckle it alone
• I just wanted them to sit with me and say that sucks, and instead I got a list of fixes
• There’s something I need to ask for and I keep rehearsing it and chickening out
• They’re clearly fried and overwhelmed and I walk straight in with what I need from them
• I have to rally people to pitch in time or money for a cause we all care about, and I’m torn between asking for too little and getting a shrug, or asking for so much it guilts them

Practices that may help

1. Ask for co-regulation when you need it
   Reaching for a steady person is a skill, not a weakness — name what kind of support you need.
   Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm From Another Nervous System
2. Distinguish connection requests from action requests
   Sometimes you need empathy; sometimes you need someone to do something — these are different asks.
   Nonviolent Requests: How to Ask for What You Need Without Demanding
3. DEAR MAN: making effective requests
   Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce — then Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate.
   DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: Getting What You Need Without Destroying the Relationship
4. Connect empathically before making a request
   A request made before connection has been established is often experienced as a demand.
   Nonviolent Requests: How to Ask for What You Need Without Demanding
5. Apply door-in-the-face for prosocial or charitable asks
   The technique was originally tested in a prosocial context and works especially well when both parties share values.
   The Door-in-the-Face Technique, Made Practical
6. Explicitly asking your partner to treat you as your ideal self
   Name one quality of your ideal self and ask your partner to treat you as if you already have it.
   The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other
7. Use the prayer in community or accountability practice
   The prayer was designed to be said together — community amplifies both the acceptance and the courage.
   The Serenity Prayer as a Practice Framework
8. Make requests specific, present-tense, and doable
   A genuine request names exactly what you’d like done, by when, in observable terms.
   Nonviolent Requests: How to Ask for What You Need Without Demanding
9. Enlist a helping relationship appropriate to your stage
   The kind of support that helps in preparation (accountability) is different from what helps in contemplation (empathy).
   The Transtheoretical Model of Change, Made Practical
10. Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person
    Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.
    DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively

Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.