Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person

Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.

Why it works

People respond to requests more readily when they understand the benefit to themselves, not just the cost to you of going unmet. Reinforcement in DEAR MAN is not bribery — it is making the connection between compliance and positive outcomes explicit, which the other person may not otherwise draw. It also signals that the requester is thinking about the relationship, not only their own need.

How to do it

1. After asserting, add: "And what I think this will do for us is..." or "This would help me be [more present/more effective] with you."
2. Be honest — the benefit should be real, not invented as a manipulation.
3. If there is no benefit to them, acknowledge that and rely on goodwill rather than manufacture a benefit.

Evidence

Providing a reason for a request — even a simple one — reliably increases compliance in social psychology research on persuasion. Making the benefit explicit is the application of this finding to interpersonal assertiveness. (observational)

The Langer research is on minimal reasons in neutral contexts; the DEAR MAN application to substantive interpersonal requests is a principled extension, not a direct application of that finding.

Sources

• Langer, Blank & Chanowitz (1978), "The mindlessness of ostensibly thoughtful action", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Common mistake

Inventing a benefit that the other person can obviously see through, which damages trust and reduces the effectiveness of the entire request.