Coaching practices for How to Get Over Insecurities in a Relationship

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For How to Get Over Insecurities in a Relationship, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I keep hitting the exact insecurity my partner is most ashamed of
• I can’t tell whether I’m okay until I read my partner’s face
• I’ve been waiting for my partner to change first so I can finally feel safe, and I’m exhausted from outsourcing my whole sense of okay to whether they reach for me
• After we fight we just let it sit for days with neither of us reaching out, and the hurt quietly piles up until I start reading even neutral things they do as another little jab
• I figure my partner just knows I’m in this and committed, so I almost never actually say it out loud anymore

Practices that may help

1. Avoiding anti-ideal confirmation: the sculpting that harms
   Identify the ways you routinely treat your partner as their non-ideal (worst) self, and stop.
   The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other
2. Moving from other-validation to self-validation
   Gradually replace the need for your partner’s approval with the ability to hold your own self-regard.
   Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
3. Move toward a secure baseline -- in yourself first
   Security is a state you can practice moving toward, regardless of which partner moves first.
   The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why Opposites Attract and Then Struggle
4. Repair quickly and thoroughly
   Don’t let injuries accumulate — repair within hours or days, not weeks.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
5. Give regular assurances of commitment
   Explicitly remind your partner of your love, commitment, and investment in the relationship.
   Relationship Maintenance Behaviors
6. Build secure-functioning habits
   Practice the behaviors of secure attachment — reliability, responsiveness, repair — on purpose.
   Attachment Theory, Made Usable
7. Build a culture of genuine appreciation as a horsemen antidote
   Daily authentic appreciation is the structural counter to contempt -- and it has to precede the conflict.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
8. Explicitly asking your partner to treat you as your ideal self
   Name one quality of your ideal self and ask your partner to treat you as if you already have it.
   The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other
9. Create and protect the couple bubble
   Agree that you each put the relationship above any third party, including family of origin.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
10. Choose and co-create secure relationships
    Move toward partners and dynamics that reward openness, and build security together.
    Attachment Theory, Made Usable

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