Coaching practices for How to Get Over Jealousy and Insecurity in a Relationship

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For How to Get Over Jealousy and Insecurity in a Relationship, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I keep hitting the exact insecurity my partner is most ashamed of
• I’ve been waiting for my partner to change first so I can finally feel safe, and I’m exhausted from outsourcing my whole sense of okay to whether they reach for me
• I can’t tell whether I’m okay until I read my partner’s face
• I feel the jealousy or the hurt and then immediately pile on a second layer of "I shouldn’t feel this, a mature person wouldn’t"
• My partner sided with their family over me again, or didn’t back me up in front of others, and I’m left unsure whether they’ll actually put us first when it counts

Practices that may help

1. Avoiding anti-ideal confirmation: the sculpting that harms
   Identify the ways you routinely treat your partner as their non-ideal (worst) self, and stop.
   The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other
2. Move toward a secure baseline -- in yourself first
   Security is a state you can practice moving toward, regardless of which partner moves first.
   The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why Opposites Attract and Then Struggle
3. Moving from other-validation to self-validation
   Gradually replace the need for your partner’s approval with the ability to hold your own self-regard.
   Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
4. Give yourself permission to feel
   Drop the judgment about whether you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way — the emotion is already there.
   Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical
5. Create and protect the couple bubble
   Agree that you each put the relationship above any third party, including family of origin.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
6. Build secure-functioning habits
   Practice the behaviors of secure attachment — reliability, responsiveness, repair — on purpose.
   Attachment Theory, Made Usable
7. Choose and co-create secure relationships
   Move toward partners and dynamics that reward openness, and build security together.
   Attachment Theory, Made Usable
8. Convert comparison to curiosity
   When you notice admiration or envy, ask what it tells you about what you actually value — then pursue it.
   The Comparison Trap
9. Build a culture of genuine appreciation as a horsemen antidote
   Daily authentic appreciation is the structural counter to contempt -- and it has to precede the conflict.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
10. Explicitly asking your partner to treat you as your ideal self
    Name one quality of your ideal self and ask your partner to treat you as if you already have it.
    The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other

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