Coaching practices for How to Stop Saying Hurtful Things
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For How to Stop Saying Hurtful Things, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- When I’m hurt I get sharp
- In the heat of an argument the sharpest possible words just fly out of my mouth before I can stop them, and an hour later I’m sick about what I said
- They’re hurt by something I never meant to do, and I keep blurting "but I didn’t mean it like that"
- I try to keep the emotion out and stay reasonable, but it never actually stays out
- When someone tells me I hurt them, my first reflex is "but that’s not what I meant"
Practices that may help
- Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations - The speech audit: THINK before you speak
Before speaking in a charged moment, check whether the words are True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind.
Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice - Separate intent from impact
Your good intentions don’t erase the impact you had — and theirs don’t erase yours.
Difficult Conversations, Made Practical - Bring feelings into the conversation deliberately
Name the emotions instead of leaking them — unspoken feelings don’t leave, they distort.
Difficult Conversations, Made Practical - Separate your intent from your impact
"I didn’t mean it that way" doesn’t change what the other person experienced — both things are true.
Looping for Understanding (Difficult Conversations) - Separate impact from intent
Address what actually happened — the impact — without deciding you know why.
Hanlon's Razor: Never Attribute to Malice What Stupidity Can Explain - Apologies: stop apologizing for existing, wanting, or having limits
Reserve apologies for actual harm caused — not for having needs, feelings, or opinions.
FAST: DBT’s Skill for Maintaining Self-Respect in Relationships - Lead with how you feel, not what they did
Open with "I feel [emotion] when [situation]" before describing what you want changed.
The Soft Startup: How You Begin a Difficult Conversation Determines How It Ends - R — Recall the hurt
Face what happened deliberately and calmly, without minimizing it or replaying it as a victim.
Forgiveness: The REACH Model - The four-phrase mantra
Repeat "I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you" toward any source of distress.
Ho'oponopono: Hawaiian Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Related concerns
- How Do I Communicate With My Friend About Her Hurtful Behavior
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
- When Give Skill Be Gentle
Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
- When Difficult Conversations Disentangle Intent Impact
Your good intentions don’t erase the impact you had — and theirs don’t erase yours.
Separate intent from impact
- When Difficult Conversations Manage Feelings
Name the emotions instead of leaking them — unspoken feelings don’t leave, they distort.
Bring feelings into the conversation deliberately
- When Hanlons Razor Separate Impact From Intent
Address what actually happened — the impact — without deciding you know why.
Separate impact from intent
- Anger Vs Hurt
Separate the cousins: anxiety vs excitement, anger vs hurt, sadness vs disappointment.
Tell apart emotions that feel similar
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