Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt

Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.

Why it works

Contempt, hostility, and sarcasm activate the defensive neurological response in the recipient — the same fight/flight system that makes productive conversation impossible. Research on couples specifically identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of relationship deterioration. Gentleness is not weakness or endorsement of the other person’s behavior; it is the mode of communication that keeps the defensive wall down so the message can actually land.

How to do it

1. Before speaking, pause and check: "Is what I’m about to say gentle enough that this person will stay in the conversation?"
2. Remove sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissive sighs, and contemptuous phrasing — replace with direct, factual language.
3. If you are too angry to be gentle, use TIPP first to bring arousal down before continuing.

Evidence

John Gottman’s research on couples identified contempt as the single strongest predictor of relationship dissolution; gentleness is the behavioral alternative that prevents the escalation that contempt produces. (observational)

Gottman’s research is in romantic partnerships; the same communication dynamics are present in other close relationships, though with varying effect sizes.

Sources

• Gottman & Levenson (1992), predicting marital dissolution, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Common mistake

Confusing gentleness with passivity — GIVE’s Gentle means no contempt or aggression, not no assertion; it is fully compatible with being direct and honest.