Coaching practices for Kenneth Doka Grief

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Kenneth Doka Grief, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I deal with my grief by doing and fixing rather than weeping, and everyone keeps treating that as cold or in denial
• I keep my head down and stay busy so I never actually feel the loss, and now it ambushes me at random and won’t metabolize
• The grief ambushes me at the worst times
• Nobody in my life gets this kind of loss, and I’m starting to ache for even one person who’s been through the exact same thing and wouldn’t need me to explain why it matters.
• Everyone keeps telling me to move on and get over the loss, but the grief is huge and it won’t go

Practices that may help

1. Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical
   Disenfranchised grief, named by Kenneth Doka, refers to grief for losses that are not socially acknowledged, publicly mourned, or openly supported — the death of a pet, an ex-partner, a miscarriage, an estranged parent, or any relationship the community does not sanction. Because social support is a major resource for grief, its absence compounds the loss and can complicate the grieving process significantly.
2. Identify your natural grieving style and adjust for it
   Know whether you tend toward more loss or more restoration orientation — and compensate accordingly.
   The Dual Process Model of Grief, Made Practical
3. Deliberately engage loss-oriented work
   Set aside dedicated time to directly face the grief — the emotions, the absence, the meaning of the loss.
   The Dual Process Model of Grief, Made Practical
4. The Dual Process Model of Grief, Made Practical
   The Dual Process Model (DPM), developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, describes healthy grief as oscillation between two orientations: loss-oriented (engaging with the pain of losing the person) and restoration-oriented (attending to the practical and identity challenges of life without them). The model is well-regarded in grief research and provides a framework for understanding why taking breaks from grief is healthy, not avoidant.
5. Continuing Bonds in Grief, Made Practical
   Continuing bonds theory, developed by Dennis Klass and colleagues, holds that maintaining an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased — through memory, ritual, and internalised connection — is a normal and often adaptive part of grief, not a sign of pathology. Observational research supports this for many types of connection, though some forms (active searching, idealisation) are associated with poorer outcomes.
6. Create a deliberate grief window
   Schedule bounded time to grieve, protecting both the grief process and the rest of life.
   Worden’s Tasks of Mourning, Made Practical
7. Find a community that recognises your specific loss
   Seek out people who have experienced the same type of loss — online or in person.
   Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical
8. Treating grief as a form of gratitude
   When something ends and you feel grief, recognise that the grief is proportional to the love — and let it be both.
   Mono no Aware: The Pathos of Things
9. Deliberately take time off from grief
   Give yourself genuine permission to engage with ordinary life — this is restoration orientation, not avoidance.
   The Dual Process Model of Grief, Made Practical
10. Practice speaking about the loss to people outside your immediate circle
    Gradually widen the circle of people who know about the loss and can offer recognition.
    Disenfranchised Grief, Made Practical

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