Coaching practices for Pendulation During Conflict
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Pendulation During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- The moment we start arguing, any sense that I actually like and respect this person evaporates
- In the middle of a fight my partner will crack a small joke or soften their voice, and I read it as them not taking it seriously, so I shut it down
- It’s the ordinary stuff that catches me off guard
- I came in hard because the situation called for it, but partway through the urgent part got settled and the other person clearly just needed to feel heard
- The second things get tense I snap into the same move every time without choosing it
Practices that may help
- Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships - Turn toward during conflict, not just during calm
Bids happen in the middle of arguments — recognizing them mid-fight changes everything.
Turning Toward: The Daily Practice That Builds Relationship Resilience - Apply pendulation to everyday stress (not just trauma)
Pendulation works for any activated state — anxiety before a call, frustration during a project — not only clinical trauma.
Pendulation, Made Practical - Recognize when to shift modes mid-conflict
The mode that’s right at the start of a conversation may not be right ten minutes in.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - Identify your default conflict mode
Before you can choose a mode, you have to know which one you use automatically.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - Use a pre-agreed pause protocol
Pre-negotiate how you will interrupt the cycle before it starts, not during it.
The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle, Explained - Soothe physiological flooding before attempting repair
Repair requires a nervous system that can receive it -- self-soothe before re-engaging.
Repair Attempts: Gottman's Key to Surviving Conflict in Relationships - Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Responding to conflict without escalation
In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice - Make repair attempts early and accept them graciously
Use small signals to de-escalate conflict before it spirals — and receive them when offered.
The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships
Related concerns
- Noting Practice During Conflict
The mode that’s right at the start of a conversation may not be right ten minutes in.
Recognize when to shift modes mid-conflict
- The One Thing During Conflict
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
- Early Signs Of Conflict
Notice which horseman is present in the first 60 seconds of a conflict and intervene before it escalates.
Use the horsemen as an early-warning system, not only a post-mortem
- Essentialism During Conflict
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
- Habit Reversal Training During Conflict
Habit reversal training (HRT), developed by Nathan Azrin and Robert Nunn in the 1970s, is a behavioral therapy approach that combines awareness training and competing response practice to interrupt unwanted habitual behaviors. It has strong clinical evidence for tic disorders and body-focused repetitive behaviors, and the underlying principles apply broadly to habit change.
- Hara Hachi Bu During Conflict
Hara hachi bu is the Okinawan practice of eating until you are about 80% full rather than stuffed — a cultural rule of mindful moderation, not a clinical protocol. The evidence is observational and cultural: it is one habit associated with longevity in the Okinawan "Blue Zone", which makes it suggestive rather than proven cause and effect.
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