Turn toward during conflict, not just during calm

Bids happen in the middle of arguments — recognizing them mid-fight changes everything.

Why it works

Even during conflict, partners make bids — attempts to de-escalate, to reconnect, or to introduce humor. These mid-conflict bids are often subtle (a slight softening of tone, a question that isn’t attacking) and easy to miss when both people are defensive. Recognizing and responding to mid-conflict bids is essentially the same as making a repair attempt: it interrupts the escalation cycle and reintroduces the possibility of collaboration. The failure to see these bids during conflict is a major driver of conversation-ending stonewalling and contempt.

How to do it

1. During an argument, notice shifts in your partner’s tone, posture, or wording that might signal a bid.
2. If they soften or shift topic, treat it as a potential de-escalation bid rather than a trap or a tangent.
3. Make your own bids visible during conflict: "I’m frustrated but I want to understand — can you say more about that?"
4. Agree in advance on a mid-conflict bid signal: a gesture or phrase that means "I’m still on your team."

Evidence

Mid-conflict repair attempts and bid recognition are identified in Gottman’s research as key differentiators between stable and dissolving couples. The two constructs overlap substantially in their function. (observational)

Observational; direction of causality is not established — couples who are generally more secure may be better at recognizing mid-conflict bids, rather than bid recognition causing security.

Sources

• Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Common mistake

Interpreting a partner’s attempt to de-escalate or joke during conflict as "not taking it seriously" — mid-conflict bids are often clumsy, but dismissing them as deflection kills the repair attempt before it can work.