Coaching practices for Positive Discipline Jane Nelsen as a Caregiver

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • I only ever speak up to my kid when something’s wrong
  • We keep having the exact same blow-up over the exact same thing, and I’m starting to wonder if my kid genuinely doesn’t know how to handle that moment any other way
  • I lay down a rule and my kids ignore it because it’s "my" rule they had no say in
  • There are certain moments
  • I swing between caving the moment they push back and snapping when I’ve had enough

Practices that may help

  1. Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
    Positive Discipline, developed by Jane Nelsen and based on Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs’s work, is a parenting and classroom approach that is simultaneously kind and firm — neither permissive nor punitive. Its central premise is that children do better when they feel a sense of belonging and significance, and that most misbehavior is an ineffective attempt to achieve one of these. The approach has strong clinical adoption and is consistent with authoritative parenting research, though controlled trials on the specific Positive Discipline curriculum are limited.
  2. Deliver active recognition of ordinary positive moments
    Narrate what the child is doing right in real time, even when it is unremarkable.
    The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
  3. Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
    Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  4. Use family meetings to solve problems together
    When children help solve the problem, they own the solution — and solutions they own, they actually follow.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  5. Recognize what is not happening with proactive recognition
    Catch the child not misbehaving and name the success explicitly.
    The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
  6. Be kind AND firm — simultaneously, not alternately
    Kind without firm is permissive; firm without kind is authoritarian. The practice is holding both at once.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  7. Provide warmth and structure simultaneously
    Children need to know they are loved and to know what is expected — these work together, not against each other.
    Authoritative Parenting (Diana Baumrind)
  8. Use experiential recognition to highlight strengths in the moment
    Catch the child demonstrating a virtue and name the virtue directly.
    The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
  9. Encourage specific contributions and efforts
    "You set the table without being asked — that helped the whole family" is more powerful than "Good job."
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  10. Follow the child’s lead completely during special time
    Let the child decide what you do, how long you stay, and when you move on.
    Special Time (Lawrence Cohen — Playful Parenting)

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