Coaching practices for Relationship Before Discipline

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Relationship Before Discipline, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• The second I start correcting my kid they go straight into defense mode
• I swing between caving the moment they push back and snapping when I’ve had enough
• My kid only seems to come at me when they want something or when they’re acting out, and I realize the only time I really pay full attention is when I’m correcting them
• I lay down a rule and my kids ignore it because it’s "my" rule they had no say in
• I careen between cracking down like a drill sergeant and then feeling guilty and just letting everything slide, and my kid never knows which version of me they’re getting

Practices that may help

1. Connect before you correct
   A child who feels connected to you is far more receptive to your guidance than one who feels attacked.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
2. Be kind AND firm — simultaneously, not alternately
   Kind without firm is permissive; firm without kind is authoritarian. The practice is holding both at once.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
3. Spend quality one-on-one time with your child
   Fifteen minutes of child-led, uninterrupted attention per day builds the relationship that discipline depends on.
   Triple P Parenting (Matthew Sanders)
4. Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
   Positive Discipline, developed by Jane Nelsen and based on Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs’s work, is a parenting and classroom approach that is simultaneously kind and firm — neither permissive nor punitive. Its central premise is that children do better when they feel a sense of belonging and significance, and that most misbehavior is an ineffective attempt to achieve one of these. The approach has strong clinical adoption and is consistent with authoritative parenting research, though controlled trials on the specific Positive Discipline curriculum are limited.
5. Use family meetings to solve problems together
   When children help solve the problem, they own the solution — and solutions they own, they actually follow.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
6. Provide warmth and structure simultaneously
   Children need to know they are loved and to know what is expected — these work together, not against each other.
   Authoritative Parenting (Diana Baumrind)
7. Say yes to bids for connection before enforcing limits
   A child’s capacity to accept limits depends on how connected they feel to the person setting them.
   Authoritative Parenting (Diana Baumrind)
8. Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
   Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
   Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
9. Build a culture of discipline, not a disciplinarian culture
   Hire self-disciplined people, then give them freedom within a clear framework.
   Level 5 Leadership: Humility and Will in Great Leaders
10. Distinguish consequences from punishment before you intervene
    Ask: is this related to the behavior, reasonable, and respectful? If not, it’s punishment dressed as a consequence.
    Natural and Logical Consequences (Rudolf Dreikurs)

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