Coaching practices for What is the Subject Object Interview and How Does it Assess Development

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • There are things I treat as plain facts about myself and the world, and I’m starting to suspect some of them are just views I’ve never questioned
  • All the feedback I get is about whether I hit the target, and none of it touches the assumptions underneath how I’m even seeing the situation
  • I follow a set of unwritten rules in my roles so automatically I’ve never asked if they’re even mine, and I’m so defined by what others expect of me that I can’t tell where their expectations end and I begin.
  • When a feeling grabs me I become it
  • When I ask my kid about their day I get one-word answers, and I realize I only ever ask about homework and chores

Practices that may help

  1. Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
    Robert Kegan’s subject-object theory holds that adult development is a series of shifts in what you are "subject to" (run by, unable to see) versus what you can hold as "object" (observe and reflect on). Each developmental order expands what you can see about yourself and others, and the practices that support these transitions — reflective inquiry, perspective-taking, immunity mapping — have clinical grounding, though the stage theory itself is based primarily on observational and interview research.
  2. Conduct a subject-object audit
    Identify what is currently running you without your awareness versus what you can observe and question.
    Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
  3. Seek developmental feedback, not just performance feedback
    Ask for feedback that challenges your assumptions about how you see, not just how you perform.
    Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
  4. Practice third-order perspective-taking
    Step outside your relationships and social roles to see them as one perspective rather than as your identity.
    Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory, Made Practical
  5. Make the subject-object move
    Turn something that has you ("I am anxious") into something you have and can examine ("I notice anxiety in me").
    Self-Authorship: Moving From the Socialized to the Self-Authored Mind
  6. Talk with your child about their day and interests
    Genuine conversational interest builds vocabulary, trust, and the relationship buffer that makes limits land without conflict.
    Triple P Parenting (Matthew Sanders)
  7. Develop discrepancy between values and behavior
    Gently hold up the gap between what the person wants and what they’re doing.
    Motivational Interviewing, Made Practical
  8. Read assertiveness and responsiveness quickly
    Observe whether someone talks more than they listen (assertiveness) and whether they show emotion openly (responsiveness).
    Social Style Matrix: Adapting to How People Communicate
  9. Prepare questions you genuinely don’t know the answer to
    Ask about the unwritten realities of the role — the things no job posting reveals.
    Informational Interviews: Career Research That Builds Your Network
  10. Follow the child’s lead completely during special time
    Let the child decide what you do, how long you stay, and when you move on.
    Special Time (Lawrence Cohen — Playful Parenting)

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