Coaching practices for The Morning Questions During Conflict
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For The Morning Questions During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- We’re about to sit down to hash this out and I can already feel us both arriving armed, each braced to win our version
- I came in hard because the situation called for it, but partway through the urgent part got settled and the other person clearly just needed to feel heard
- I’m one click away from escalating this
- Every time I question someone’s decision they get defensive and start justifying themselves instead of actually thinking, and I can’t figure out why my questions keep landing like accusations.
- This conversation keeps circling back to whose fault the whole thing was, and we just relitigate the past over and over
Practices that may help
- The Morning Questions
Marshall Goldsmith’s morning questions are a daily active question routine in which you score yourself each morning on whether you "did your best" to pursue specific values-based commitments the previous day. The practice reframes self-monitoring from passive measurement ("how did X go?") to active responsibility ("did I try?"), which research on active questions suggests produces greater engagement and honest self-assessment. The evidence base is practitioner-clinical; large-scale trials are limited. - Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Recognize when to shift modes mid-conflict
The mode that’s right at the start of a conversation may not be right ten minutes in.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - Investigate before escalating
Ask one honest clarifying question before taking action on an assumed motive.
Hanlon's Razor: Never Attribute to Malice What Stupidity Can Explain - Replace "why" with "how" or "what"
"Why" sounds accusatory; "how" and "what" invite problem-solving.
Calibrated Questions, Made Practical - Ask "What do we need to do to move forward?"
Forward-facing questions shift energy from arguing about the past to solving for the future.
Calibrated Questions, Made Practical - Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Identify your default conflict mode
Before you can choose a mode, you have to know which one you use automatically.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - Use check-in and check-out rounds to hold the whole person
Every circle opens with a personal check-in and closes with a check-out — creating a container with a beginning and an end.
The Circle Process (Kay Pranis) - Responding to conflict without escalation
In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice
Related concerns
- Calibrated Questions During Conflict
Calibrated questions are open "How" and "What" questions that hand the other party a problem to solve, letting you steer a negotiation or difficult conversation without commands or ultimatums. The technique comes from Chris Voss’s FBI hostage-negotiation work; its mechanism is grounded in autonomy psychology, though the specific scripts are practitioner craft rather than a lab-validated protocol.
- Clarifying Questions Before Conflict
Ask one honest clarifying question before taking action on an assumed motive.
Investigate before escalating
- Essentialism During Conflict
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
- First Principles Thinking Made Usable During Conflict
First-principles thinking means breaking a problem down to the fundamental truths you are sure of, then reasoning back up from those — instead of reasoning by analogy to “how it’s usually done.” Traceable to Aristotle and popularized in modern form by figures like Elon Musk, it is a reasoning discipline, not a tested intervention; its value is mechanistic — it strips out inherited assumptions.
- Hara Hachi Bu During Conflict
Hara hachi bu is the Okinawan practice of eating until you are about 80% full rather than stuffed — a cultural rule of mindful moderation, not a clinical protocol. The evidence is observational and cultural: it is one habit associated with longevity in the Okinawan "Blue Zone", which makes it suggestive rather than proven cause and effect.
- How Did You Deal With Conflict Interview Question
Use open "how" and "what" questions that hand them the problem to solve with you.
Ask calibrated questions
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