Coaching practices for The Not to Do List During Conflict
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For The Not to Do List During Conflict, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- There’s a problem I keep not bringing up
- We’re both too hot right now and I can feel that if we keep going one of us will say something we can’t take back
- Something’s genuinely wrong here and there’s no time to coax everyone to a comfortable yes
- I keep telling myself I’ll cut back on the things that drain me, but every single time the moment comes I cave and say yes again
- In the heat of it I can never find the words to cool things down
Practices that may help
- Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative)
Sidestep or postpone the conflict when timing is bad or the issue isn’t worth engaging.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - The Not-To-Do List
The not-to-do list is a set of behaviors, tasks, and commitments you commit to stopping or refusing — permanently. Tim Ferriss argues that elimination is more valuable than optimization because low-leverage activities consume time that no amount of efficiency can recover. The approach is largely practitioner advice backed by mechanistic reasoning about opportunity cost and attention. - Use Avoiding strategically, not reflexively
Avoiding has a real place — but only when the issue is trivial, the timing is wrong, or cooling down is necessary.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) - Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles - Write and commit to a standing not-to-do list
Turn elimination candidates into an explicit, reviewed list of permanent refusals.
The Not-To-Do List - Build a shared repair vocabulary
Agree on repair phrases in advance so both partners recognize them when they land mid-conflict.
Repair Attempts: Gottman's Key to Surviving Conflict in Relationships - Engage in productive ideological conflict
Teams that avoid conflict don’t avoid disagreement — they bury it, where it grows into resentment and bad decisions.
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Made Practical - Responding to conflict without escalation
In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice - Separate the person from the problem
Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
The Third Alternative, Made Practical - Use Competing when speed or safety matters more than buy-in
Competing — high assertive, low cooperative — is appropriate when the decision is urgent, high-stakes, and not open for debate.
The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
Related concerns
- When To Avoid Conflict
Sidestep or postpone the conflict when timing is bad or the issue isn’t worth engaging.
Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative)
- Avoid Absolutes In Conflict
Absolute language triggers defensiveness and is almost never literally accurate.
Eliminate "always" and "never" from complaint language
- Avoiding Conflict
Sidestep or postpone the conflict when timing is bad or the issue isn’t worth engaging.
- Disc Conflict Resolution
Use each conflict as an opportunity to raise the quality of the relationship itself.
Transform the relationship, not just the issue
- Early Signs Of Conflict
Notice which horseman is present in the first 60 seconds of a conflict and intervene before it escalates.
Use the horsemen as an early-warning system, not only a post-mortem
- Energy Management Not Time Management During Conflict
Tony Schwartz and Jim Loehr’s framework argues that performance depends not on managing minutes but on managing physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy — and that oscillating between stress and recovery at each dimension is what sustains high performance, not grinding longer. The framework is practitioner-developed and widely used in corporate coaching; specific practices (sleep, recovery rituals, purpose alignment) have independent research support at varying evidence levels.
Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.