Build a shared repair vocabulary

Agree on repair phrases in advance so both partners recognize them when they land mid-conflict.

Why it works

During conflict, cognitive flooding narrows the range of behaviors available -- partners are less creative, less empathic, and more reactive. Pre-agreed repair phrases bypass the need for in-the-moment creativity: both partners know what a phrase like I need a reset means, so the repair can function even when the sender is imperfect and the receiver is flooded.

How to do it

1. In a calm moment, talk explicitly about what de-escalation phrases or gestures work for each of you.
2. Agree on at least one shared repair signal that both recognize as a bid to lower the temperature.
3. Keep repair phrases short and non-accusatory -- they signal intent, not argument.
4. Practice using them so they become available even in heightened states.

Evidence

Gottman's observational work found that the presence of repair attempts, and their acceptance by the partner, was a key differentiator of stable versus distressed couples. Pre-agreed signals operationalize this finding. (observational)

The importance of repair is observationally supported; the pre-agreement technique is a clinical application of the finding rather than a separately tested protocol.

Common mistake

Trying to invent a repair phrase in the heat of conflict, when flooding has already narrowed the creative range -- which is exactly when it is hardest to find the right words.