Coaching practices for We Keep Arguing in Circles and I've Realized Half of it is That Nobody's Separated What We Actually Know From What We're Each Just Assuming the Facts Flying Around Are Really Opinions in Disguise and We've Never Paused to Lay Out What's Genuinely Established
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For We Keep Arguing in Circles and I've Realized Half of it is That Nobody's Separated What We Actually Know From What We're Each Just Assuming the Facts Flying Around Are Really Opinions in Disguise and We've Never Paused to Lay Out What's Genuinely Established, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- We keep arguing in circles and I’ve realized half of it is that nobody’s separated what we actually know from what we’re each just assuming
- We keep going in circles arguing about who’s right, both certain
- We keep fighting on ten fronts at once and it’s exhausting and goes nowhere
- I state every opinion like it’s flat-out fact, and then the other person hears a hard line and braces to defend theirs
- This disagreement feels total, like we’re on completely opposite sides of everything, and it’s gotten tense
Practices that may help
- White hat: establish the facts before opinion
Separate what is known from what is inferred — the white hat is for data only, with no interpretation.
Six Thinking Hats, Made Practical - Walk down the ladder together in disagreements
In conflict, stop arguing about conclusions and descend together to the data level.
The Ladder of Inference - Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - State your confidence level alongside your position
"I’m about 70% confident on this" signals a reasoned estimate, not a fact claim.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Productive Disagreement, Made Practical - Map shared values before mapping the disagreement
In any conflict, identify the values or goals you and the other person genuinely share before cataloguing differences.
Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are - Learn the dream inside your partner's position
Behind every recurring argument is a personal dream or value; find and honor it.
Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner's Inner World - Clarify the concepts you are using
Ask for precise definitions before arguments built on contested or ambiguous terms go far.
Socratic Questioning - Surface and test underlying assumptions
Identify the implicit assumptions that your reasoning depends on and test whether they hold.
Socratic Questioning - Steelman the opposing view before rebutting it
Reconstruct the strongest possible version of the argument you disagree with — then respond to that.
Naive Realism: Why Everyone Thinks They See Things as They Are
Related concerns
- When The Ladder Of Inference Walk Down With Others
In conflict, stop arguing about conclusions and descend together to the data level.
Walk down the ladder together in disagreements
- Common Ground Disagreement
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
Map what you actually agree on before diving into the disagreement
- When Give Skill Validate
Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
Validate: acknowledge what makes sense about their perspective
- Always And Never In Arguments
Absolute language triggers defensiveness and is almost never literally accurate.
Eliminate "always" and "never" from complaint language
- Resolve Disagreement With Terms
Start by explicitly building the shared map before marking where it diverges.
- What Is Underneath A Recurring Argument
Locate the single empirical or value disagreement driving the whole dispute.
Find the crux: the one claim that, if changed, would change the conclusion
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