Coaching practices for Zones of Regulation Leah Kuypers During Conflict

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • The second things get tense I snap into the same move every time without choosing it
  • My child can tell me they’re upset but then has no idea what to actually do about it
  • When my child melts down and I ask what’s wrong, they genuinely can’t tell me
  • I worry I’ve accidentally taught my child that only being calm and happy is acceptable, because now they hide it or insist they’re "fine" when they’re clearly upset
  • I keep telling my child to calm down while I’m clearly losing it myself, and I can feel how hollow that is

Practices that may help

  1. Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
    The Zones of Regulation is a curriculum developed by Leah Kuypers that organizes all emotional and sensory states into four color-coded zones, teaching children to identify their current state and use tools to self-regulate. Evidence is primarily observational and clinical — formal RCTs are limited — but the framework is widely used in occupational therapy and special education with reported improvements in self-regulation and social awareness.
  2. Identify your default conflict mode
    Before you can choose a mode, you have to know which one you use automatically.
    The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
  3. Build each child’s personalized regulation toolbox
    Each child needs their own set of tools matched to each zone.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  4. Teach the four zones and what each one feels like
    Give children a shared map of internal states before asking them to regulate.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  5. Teach that Green is the goal, not the only acceptable zone
    All zones are normal; the goal is knowing which zone a situation calls for and how to get there.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  6. Co-regulate by naming your own zone first
    A parent who models zone awareness is a more effective co-regulator than one who only monitors the child.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  7. Recognize when to shift modes mid-conflict
    The mode that’s right at the start of a conversation may not be right ten minutes in.
    The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
  8. Arrange the environment to support Green Zone states
    Predictable schedules, sensory comfort, and low transition stress make Green more accessible.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  9. Monitor zone status during competition and intervene early
    Develop the habit of checking your emotional state at key points during competition and micro-regulating back toward zone.
    The Zone of Optimal Functioning: Hanin’s IZOF Model
  10. Catch co-dysregulation before it spirals
    Two activated nervous systems feed each other — notice the loop and have one person step out.
    Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm From Another Nervous System

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