Ask the people who matter to you how they are — and really listen

Check in on someone in a way that signals they are on your mind, not just in your address book.

Why it works

Flett emphasizes that mattering is relational: it must be communicated, not merely felt. For the person being checked on, an unprompted, genuinely curious inquiry signals that they occupy real cognitive and emotional space in another person’s life — the core of importance mattering. For the person asking, the act of attending to another’s state builds the relational skills that reciprocally deepen one’s own sense of significance.

How to do it

1. Once a week, message someone who is important to you with a question about something specific to them — not a mass forward or a meme.
2. When they respond, ask one follow-up that shows you read what they wrote.
3. Resist turning the check-in into a report about yourself until they have been fully heard.

Evidence

Active listening and genuine interest in others are associated with relationship quality and both parties’ well-being; the mattering-framing (signalling importance) is Flett’s contribution to understanding why it works beyond mere social contact. (observational)

The check-in as a mattering intervention is a practical application; the evidence base is the broader relationship-quality and belonging literature.

Common mistake

A generic "how are you?" that signals obligation rather than interest — answered and dismissed in one exchange. Specificity is the active ingredient: "How did the thing with your father go?"