Repair Attempts: Gottman's Key to Surviving Conflict in Relationships

Making, recognizing, and accepting the small moves that stop conflict from becoming damage

What are repair attempts in relationships, and how do you use them to de-escalate conflict?

A repair attempt is any move -- humor, an apology, a softened tone, a bid to take a break -- that tries to lower conflict tension before it spirals. John Gottman's research found that whether couples successfully made and accepted repair attempts was a key marker separating stable from distressed couples. It is not avoiding conflict that matters most; it is the ability to repair within it.

Most couples have conflict. What distinguishes stable from struggling couples is not the absence of fights but the ability to interrupt a conflict before it hardens into contempt or damage. John Gottman identified repair attempts -- imperfect, even clumsy gestures to de-escalate -- as one of the most important factors in this. The research is observational; the practices below develop both the ability to offer repair and to receive it.