Send yourself the same loving wishes you send others
Expand loving-kindness practice inward — toward yourself as you would toward a beloved friend.
Why it works
Most people who practice loving-kindness (metta) easily send warmth outward but experience a wall when directing it inward, often exposing the degree to which the inner critic has been running on autopilot. Explicitly directing the phrases inward trains the attentional habit of including oneself in the circle of care.
How to do it
- Begin with a benefactor or easy person as the warm-up target.
- Shift to yourself and use the same phrases: "May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I live with ease."
- If resistance arises, notice it with curiosity rather than pushing through — the noticing itself is the practice.
Evidence
Loving-kindness meditation directed at the self has shown increases in positive affect and self-compassion in multiple studies, and one RCT found it reduced self-criticism in self-critical participants specifically. (rct)
Samples are typically non-clinical; effect sizes vary, and self-report measures of compassion are susceptible to demand characteristics.
Sources
- Shahar et al. (2015), loving-kindness and self-criticism RCT, Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy
Common mistake
Forcing the warmth — trying to feel it by effort — rather than simply offering the phrases as intentions and allowing whatever arises. The phrases are invitations, not commands.
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More practices for The Self-Compassion Break
- Acknowledge: name what is hard
Place a hand on your heart and say, "This is a moment of suffering."
- Common humanity: remember you are not alone
Say to yourself: "Suffering is a part of life — I am not alone in this."
- Self-kindness: offer yourself what a good friend would
Say the words a caring friend would say — to yourself, now.
- Use soothing touch as a physiological anchor
Physical self-touch — hand on heart, cupped hands on face — signals safety to the body.
- Take a compassion pause with difficult emotions
Before reacting to a hard feeling, pause and meet it with curiosity instead of combat.
- Recognize backdraft — the pain that arises when kindness first lands
When self-compassion initially hurts more, that is backdraft — a sign it is working, not failing.
Related concepts
- Self-Compassion, Made Practical
The three components, the mechanisms, and where the evidence is strong
- Loving-Kindness (Metta) Meditation
The phrases, the widening circles, and the honest evidence on warmth practice
- Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
The core MBSR practices, the mechanisms, and where the evidence is genuinely strong