Make bids for shared enjoyment, not just support

Invite your partner to enjoy something together — playfulness and delight are also bids.

Why it works

Bids are not only repair or support requests; they include invitations to share positive experience — to look at the same thing, to laugh at the same thing, to enjoy the same moment. Shared positive affect creates a neural association between the relationship and rewarding experience, which is the opposite of what conflict creates. Gottman’s research shows that positive interaction in non-conflict moments is as predictive of relationship health as how couples handle conflict, which means fun, play, and shared delight are not relationship extras — they are relationship infrastructure.

How to do it

1. Notice things that delight you and share them in the moment: show, don’t just mention.
2. Make bids for shared play: "I’d love to watch that with you" or "Can we take a walk?"
3. Plan small, low-effort shared enjoyments rather than relying on big events.
4. When your partner bids for your enjoyment ("come see this"), say yes more than you calculate.

Evidence

Positive interaction rates, including shared humor and play, correlate with relationship stability in Gottman’s dataset. Research on positive affect and relationship satisfaction shows moderate effects across observational studies. (observational)

Correlational; relationship quality probably promotes shared enjoyment as much as shared enjoyment promotes quality.

Sources

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.

Common mistake

Treating shared fun as a reward for a successful week rather than as a regular input — waiting until things are good to play together inverts the causal direction you want.