Coaching practices for Approval Seeking in Relationships
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Approval Seeking in Relationships, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- I can’t tell whether I’m okay until I read my partner’s face
- There’s one thing I’m really trying to become, and I wish my partner would just trust I can
- I hint at wanting closeness in these sideways little ways, my partner doesn’t pick up on it, and instead of just saying what I want I go quiet and stew
- When I ask for something I frame it entirely around how much I need it, and the other person hears only the cost to them
- I figure my partner just knows I’m in this and committed, so I almost never actually say it out loud anymore
Practices that may help
- Moving from other-validation to self-validation
Gradually replace the need for your partner’s approval with the ability to hold your own self-regard.
Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage - Explicitly asking your partner to treat you as your ideal self
Name one quality of your ideal self and ask your partner to treat you as if you already have it.
The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Partners Sculpt Each Other - Make your own bids more legible
If your bids are consistently missed, make them a little more direct rather than withdrawing.
Bids for Connection: The Small Moments That Make or Break Relationships - Reinforce by explaining the benefit to the other person
Tell the other person what is in it for them — or what the positive outcome looks like for both of you.
DEAR MAN: DBT’s Skill for Asking for What You Want Effectively - Give regular assurances of commitment
Explicitly remind your partner of your love, commitment, and investment in the relationship.
Relationship Maintenance Behaviors - Liking
We say yes to people we like — and similarity, compliments, and cooperation grow liking.
Cialdini’s Principles of Influence - Ask for their expertise or opinion — not just their help
Requesting someone’s expert opinion generates more liking than requesting their labor.
The Ben Franklin Effect, Made Practical - Use a small ask to repair a strained relationship
In a cool or conflicted relationship, asking for a small favor can reset the dynamic more effectively than doing one.
The Ben Franklin Effect, Made Practical - Build a pattern of small asks rather than one large one
Multiple small favors over time create a deeper liking pattern than a single large ask.
The Ben Franklin Effect, Made Practical - Cultivate identity-safe relationships
Build relationships in which being known accurately — not just approved of — is the norm.
Self-Verification Theory, Made Practical
Related concerns
- Asking Favors To Build Rapport
Multiple small favors over time create a deeper liking pattern than a single large ask.
Build a pattern of small asks rather than one large one
- Asking My Friend Out Even Though I Have A Girlfriend
Ask what you would tell a friend in exactly your situation — then take your own advice.
Advise yourself as you would a friend
- How To Ask A Female Colleague To Spend Time With Me
A short, specific, no-pressure request gets far more responses than a vague networking ask.
Request the conversation the right way
- How To Ask For A Favor
Request something real and modest — help you actually need — not a pretext.
Ask for a small, genuine favor from someone you want to build rapport with
- How To Ask For Connection In Relationship
A bid for connection is any small attempt to engage a partner -- a comment, a question, a touch, a sigh. John Gottman's observational research found that couples who turned toward bids far more often than they turned away were far more likely to stay together six years later. The research is correlational but one of the more specific findings in the couples literature.
- Dealing With A Friend Trying To Get Me A Girlfriend
Describe your problem as if a close friend brought it to you — then write the advice you would give them.
Give yourself advice as if advising a close friend
Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.