Coaching practices for Authentic Emotions Work

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Authentic Emotions Work, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I spend all day arranging my face into the cheerful, capable version everyone expects while I feel nothing like it inside, and holding that mask up hour after hour is leaving me hollowed out and weirdly unsure of what I even feel underneath it anymore.
• I hear myself snapping at them over the dishes again, but that’s not what it’s about at all
• Everything that isn’t good just comes out as "stressed" or "off"
• I only ever try this stuff when my kid is already in full meltdown, and that’s exactly when it comes out stiff and scripted and falls apart
• On paper this is the obviously rational call, but there’s a gut unease about it nobody will say out loud because we can’t justify it logically

Practices that may help

1. Stop surface acting
   Recognize when you’re masking emotions at work or in relationships, and find low-cost outlets for what you actually feel.
   Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical
2. Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical
   Naming and honestly expressing what you feel — rather than suppressing, masking, or performing emotions — is linked to lower physiological stress, better relationships, and more effective self-regulation. Decades of research on expressive writing and emotional disclosure support the general principle, though effects are modest and depend heavily on how disclosure is done.
3. Access and name the underlying attachment emotion
   Beneath the surface argument is a primary emotion -- usually fear, longing, or grief -- that drives the cycle.
   Emotionally Focused Therapy: Sue Johnson's Framework for Lasting Bond Repair
4. Name the emotion accurately
   Use precise emotion words — not just "fine" or "stressed" — to be honest with yourself about what you actually feel.
   Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical
5. Practice emotion coaching during low-stakes moments
   Build the skill in small moments so it’s available in the big ones.
   Emotion Coaching (John Gottman)
6. Red hat: name the emotions without justifying them
   Give feelings a legitimate place in the discussion — the red hat makes emotional data explicit so it stops running covertly.
   Six Thinking Hats, Made Practical
7. Name what the emotion is doing in your body
   Track the physical signs of the emotion as they move through — this alone reduces their intensity.
   The 90-Second Rule, Made Practical
8. Notice and name mixed or contradictory emotions simultaneously
   When something significant happens, look for two or more emotions that coexist — even contradictory ones.
   The Feeling Wheel: Building Emotional Vocabulary
9. Find the emotion underneath anger
   Anger almost always has a softer, more vulnerable emotion below it — hurt, fear, shame, or grief.
   Radical Honesty About Emotions, Made Practical
10. Understand the function of the emotion
    Every emotion evolved because it does something useful — learn what yours is trying to do.
    DBT Emotion Regulation Skills, Made Practical

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