Coaching practices for Contempt Prevention Couples

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Contempt Prevention Couples, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • I hear the sarcasm and the eye-roll come out of me and underneath it I genuinely feel like I’m the one carrying everything
  • Nothing is technically wrong, but I’ve stopped noticing the good things about my partner and the small resentments just keep stacking up quietly
  • When we fight it’s the same ugly choreography every time
  • When we fight I hear myself doing the things I swore I wouldn’t
  • When I’m hurt I get sharp

Practices that may help

  1. Interrupt contempt -- the relationship's single most corrosive pattern
    Contempt -- moral superiority, mockery, eye-rolling -- is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
    The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
  2. Build a culture of genuine appreciation as a horsemen antidote
    Daily authentic appreciation is the structural counter to contempt -- and it has to precede the conflict.
    The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
  3. Catch the four horsemen
    Spot and replace criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling during conflict.
    The Gottman Method, Made Practical
  4. Recognize and replace the Four Horsemen
    Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling each have a specific antidote.
    The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships
  5. Be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or expressions of contempt
    Say what you need to say without aggression, sarcasm, or contempt — even when you are hurt or angry.
    GIVE: DBT’s Skill for Preserving Relationships During Difficult Conversations
  6. Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
    Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
  7. Use a pre-agreed pause protocol
    Pre-negotiate how you will interrupt the cycle before it starts, not during it.
    The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle, Explained
  8. Agree on relationship principles before you need them
    Set explicit rules for how you will treat each other, especially under pressure.
    Secure-Functioning Relationships
  9. Accommodation: inhibiting destructive responses to partner provocation
    When your partner does something hurtful or irritating, practice responding constructively rather than in kind.
    The Investment Model of Commitment: Why People Stay (and Why They Leave)
  10. Audit your wants and shoulds to find bundle candidates
    List the things you want to do but feel guilty about alongside the things you know you should do but avoid.
    Temptation Bundling, Made Practical

Related concerns

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