Coaching practices for Four Horsemen Self Awareness

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Four Horsemen Self Awareness, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• I can feel within the first minute of a disagreement exactly where it’s headed, like I already know the shape of the fight
• When we fight I hear myself doing the things I swore I wouldn’t
• I hear the sarcasm and the eye-roll come out of me and underneath it I genuinely feel like I’m the one carrying everything
• Certain traits in other people set me off way out of proportion
• I’ll snap at someone or make a bad call and only realize hours later that I was already in a mood the whole time

Practices that may help

1. Use the horsemen as an early-warning system, not only a post-mortem
   Notice which horseman is present in the first 60 seconds of a conflict and intervene before it escalates.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
2. The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
   The four horsemen -- criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling -- are communication patterns John Gottman's observational research linked to relationship breakdown. Contempt is the most corrosive and the strongest predictor; each horseman has a specific antidote. The research is observational and correlational, but the patterns are among the more specific findings in couples science.
3. Recognize and replace the Four Horsemen
   Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling each have a specific antidote.
   The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships
4. Interrupt contempt -- the relationship's single most corrosive pattern
   Contempt -- moral superiority, mockery, eye-rolling -- is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
5. The emotional charge inventory
   List the traits that trigger your strongest reactions in others — those reactions are mirrors.
   Shadow Work
6. Self-awareness
   Notice your emotions as they arise and recognize how they shape your judgment and behavior.
   Emotional Intelligence, Made Practical
7. Replace defensiveness with partial responsibility
   Defensiveness is a claim of innocence; taking even partial responsibility is the only way forward.
   The Four Horsemen: Gottman's Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
8. The practice of self-acceptance
   Be for yourself — refuse to be your own adversary, even about the parts you want to change.
   The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Made Practical
9. Recognize the qualities of Self when they are present
   Learn to identify when you are in Self — calm, curious, compassionate — so you can notice when you are not.
   IFS Self Energy, Made Practical
10. The practice of living consciously
    Bring awareness to what you are doing and seeing, rather than acting on autopilot or avoidance.
    The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Made Practical

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