Coaching practices for How to Self Regulate in Conflict

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• The moment an argument heats up I either shut down and flee or cave just to make it stop
• Something’s genuinely wrong here and there’s no time to coax everyone to a comfortable yes
• The moment a conversation with my partner heats up, I get flooded and the only way I know to calm down is to get them to stop
• The second things get tense I snap into the same move every time without choosing it
• I walk away from conflicts having caved again

Practices that may help

1. Use fierce self-compassion to stay in hard conversations
   Stay present in conflict by meeting your own distress with compassion, so you don't flee or attack.
   Fierce Self-Compassion, Made Practical
2. Competing (assertive, uncooperative)
   Pursue your own position firmly when speed, principle, or stakes outweigh the relationship cost.
   The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles
3. Self-soothing during conflict instead of demanding partner regulate you
   Calm your own nervous system in the moment, rather than requiring your partner to change so you can feel better.
   Differentiation of Self: David Schnarch’s Framework for Passionate Marriage
4. Identify your default conflict mode
   Before you can choose a mode, you have to know which one you use automatically.
   The Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)
5. FAST: maintaining self-respect in difficult interactions
   Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful — the self-respect compass for high-pressure conversations.
   DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: Getting What You Need Without Destroying the Relationship
6. Take a structured time-out
   Exit the provocation situation temporarily with a plan to re-engage — not as avoidance, but as arousal regulation.
   Novaco Anger Management, Made Practical
7. Responding to conflict without escalation
   In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
   Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice
8. Make repair attempts early and accept them graciously
   Use small signals to de-escalate conflict before it spirals — and receive them when offered.
   The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships
9. Choose your style deliberately
   The real skill isn’t a favorite style — it’s matching the style to the situation instead of defaulting.
   The Five Conflict-Resolution Styles
10. Adapt your conflict approach to the other person’s DISC style
    Conflict lands differently for each style — match your approach to reduce defensiveness.
    DISC Behavioral Styles

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