Coaching practices for Is it Normal to Get Angry at Your Child

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • When my kid is angry and lashing out I can’t tell where the line is
  • When my child gets upset my whole reflex is to make it stop as fast as possible
  • When my kid is melting down I feel trapped between two bad options
  • When my kid acts out I lose it
  • I lose my temper with my kid and then feel sick about it for hours

Practices that may help

  1. Set limits on behavior while accepting the feeling
    All feelings are acceptable; not all behaviors are — hold both at once.
    Emotion Coaching (John Gottman)
  2. Treat the emotional moment as a teaching opportunity
    When your child is upset, slow down instead of speeding toward resolution.
    Emotion Coaching (John Gottman)
  3. Use empathy to de-escalate, not to capitulate
    Name the child’s emotional state without agreeing with every demand — empathy and limits can coexist.
    Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
  4. Refuse to energize negative behavior
    Give consequences briefly and blandly — no energy, no lecture, no drama.
    The Nurtured Heart Approach (Howard Glasser)
  5. Manage your own emotional state before responding
    A regulated parent is the single most powerful behavior management tool available.
    Triple P Parenting (Matthew Sanders)
  6. Take time for training — teach the skill, not just the rule
    Children misbehave partly because they don’t know how to do the right thing — teach the skill when everyone is calm.
    Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)
  7. Labeling emotions in children: the parenting application
    When a child is upset, name their emotion aloud and validate it before attempting to solve or redirect.
    Name It to Tame It: Affect Labeling in Practice
  8. Teach that Green is the goal, not the only acceptable zone
    All zones are normal; the goal is knowing which zone a situation calls for and how to get there.
    Zones of Regulation (Leah Kuypers)
  9. Hold Plan B conversations proactively, not reactively
    Solve the problem before the next explosion, when everyone is calm.
    Collaborative Problem Solving (Ross Greene)
  10. Connect emotionally before you redirect or teach
    The downstairs brain has to be acknowledged before the upstairs brain can hear anything.
    The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson)

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