Coaching practices for Person vs Problem

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Person vs Problem, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
• I’ve been killing myself trying to fix this, and it’s slowly dawning on me that the lever isn’t even in my hands
• Every disagreement turns into me versus them, like we’re opponents trying to win instead of two people up against the same problem
• The second a problem lands my gut reaction is "of course, this is just me, I can’t handle anything"
• Every time I push on the actual issue it lands as a personal attack and we both get defensive

Practices that may help

1. Separate the person from the problem
   Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
2. Map who actually owns the problem
   Identify whose problem it truly is before investing in a solution — the framing often changes when you name the real owner.
   Problem Reframing: Solving the Right Problem First
3. Fight the problem, not each other
   Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
4. Build a positive problem orientation
   Treat problems as normal, solvable challenges rather than signs of personal failure.
   Problem-Solving Therapy, Made Practical
5. Separate the people from the problem
   Be hard on the problem, soft on the people — attack the issue, not each other.
   Getting to Yes: Principled Negotiation
6. Complain about the specific situation, not the person’s character
   Target the behavior or situation, never the person’s character or worth.
   The Soft Startup: How You Begin a Difficult Conversation Determines How It Ends
7. Name the antagonist: what is the obstacle, not who
   Every compelling story has something working against the protagonist — name the force, not a person.
   Storytelling for Persuasion, Made Practical
8. Separate the people from the problem
   Address relationship concerns and substantive issues in different registers — treating people well and the problem hard.
   Principled Negotiation, Made Practical
9. Find mutual purpose
   Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".
   Crucial Conversations, Made Practical
10. Responding to conflict without escalation
    In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
    Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice

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