Coaching practices for Person is Not the Problem

Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Person is Not the Problem, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.

Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

• Somewhere in this I stopped seeing a problem we both have and started seeing the other person AS the problem
• I’ve been killing myself trying to fix this, and it’s slowly dawning on me that the lever isn’t even in my hands
• The second a problem lands my gut reaction is "of course, this is just me, I can’t handle anything"
• I don’t say "I feel anxious," I say "I am anxious"
• Every disagreement turns into me versus them, like we’re opponents trying to win instead of two people up against the same problem

Practices that may help

1. Separate the person from the problem
   Treat the conflict as a problem you face together, not a contest you fight each other.
   The Third Alternative, Made Practical
2. Map who actually owns the problem
   Identify whose problem it truly is before investing in a solution — the framing often changes when you name the real owner.
   Problem Reframing: Solving the Right Problem First
3. Build a positive problem orientation
   Treat problems as normal, solvable challenges rather than signs of personal failure.
   Problem-Solving Therapy, Made Practical
4. Externalizing the Problem
   Separate the person from the problem by talking about it as if it exists outside them.
   Narrative Therapy: Rewriting the Stories That Define You
5. Fight the problem, not each other
   Reorient conflict so both partners face the problem together rather than facing each other.
   Secure-Functioning Relationships
6. Exception Finding: When Is the Problem Already Less Severe?
   Identify times when the problem was absent or less severe — these are evidence that solutions already exist.
   Solution-Focused Brief Therapy: Building On What Works
7. Name the cycle as the shared enemy
   Give the pattern a name and treat it as the problem — not your partner.
   The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle, Explained
8. Resist the urge to fix
   When someone shares pain, default to presence, not problem-solving.
   Holding Space
9. Responding to conflict without escalation
   In a conflict, address the problem without attacking the person.
   Ahimsa: Non-Violence as a Daily Practice
10. Move to problem-solving only after understanding is mutual
    Problem-solving before mutual understanding produces solutions neither party owns.
    Looping for Understanding (Difficult Conversations)

Describe your situation in your own words to search the complete practice library.