Find mutual purpose

Establish a shared goal both people care about so the conversation is "us vs the problem".

Why it works

People will engage in a hard conversation when they believe you care about their goals, not only your own. Surfacing a purpose you genuinely share reframes the exchange from adversarial (my position vs yours) to collaborative (both of us vs the problem), which lowers defensiveness and opens problem-solving.

How to do it

1. Before pushing your solution, name the outcome you both actually want.
2. Ask about and acknowledge the other person’s underlying goals, not just their stated position.
3. Invent a higher-level purpose that includes both sets of interests.

Evidence

Consistent with interest-based negotiation and superordinate-goal research, both of which show shared higher goals reduce conflict; the specific framing here is practitioner-applied. (mechanistic)

Superordinate-goal effects have research support; this particular operationalization is practitioner guidance rather than a tested intervention.

Common mistake

Jumping to debate positions before establishing a shared purpose, so the conversation stays a tug-of-war over solutions.