Coaching practices for Positive Sentiment Override How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships After a Loss

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Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?

  • When I’m frustrated with my partner I genuinely struggle to remember why we’re even together
  • The moment we start arguing, any sense that I actually like and respect this person evaporates
  • Lately all I seem to register is what my partner does wrong
  • Between the job stress and the family crisis, my partner and I have basically become two exhausted people running logistics
  • My partner gives me a short answer or a distracted look and I instantly read it as "they’re mad at me" or "they don’t care"

Practices that may help

  1. Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
    Positive sentiment override (PSO) is Gottman’s term for a perceptual state in which the accumulated goodwill in a relationship causes partners to interpret neutral or mildly negative partner behavior charitably — as a mistake or a bad moment, not as evidence of ill intent. PSO is built through consistent positive interactions over time; its opposite, negative sentiment override, develops when negative interactions dominate and even neutral behavior is read as hostile. The evidence is observational; direct experimental manipulation of PSO as a clinical target is limited.
  2. Actively maintain memory of your relationship’s positive history
    PSO is partly built on a rich, accessible memory of good times — keep it alive.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
  3. Protect fondness actively during and after conflict
    Conflict is the test of PSO — deliberately hold the positive frame while the negative one is loudest.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
  4. Track what your partner does right, not just wrong
    Deliberately notice and record positive partner behaviors to counteract negativity bias.
    The 5-to-1 Positivity Ratio in Relationships
  5. Make extra deposits during difficult life periods
    External stress drains PSO — consciously increase positive interactions when life is hard.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
  6. Default to the charitable interpretation first
    Before assuming hostility, assume noise, stress, or bad timing.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships
  7. Carry forward the person’s legacy in your own life
    Identify values, projects, or commitments the person cared about and carry them forward yourself.
    Continuing Bonds in Grief, Made Practical
  8. Access positive emotion during adversity, not after
    In the midst of stress and difficulty, finding even small genuine positive moments is a resilience mechanism, not a betrayal of the difficulty.
    Broaden-and-Build, Made Practical
  9. Look honestly for what has grown or changed for the better
    Without minimising the loss, notice any growth, change, or perspective that has emerged from it.
    Meaning Reconstruction in Grief, Made Practical
  10. Actively notice positive partner behavior
    Scan for what your partner does right, not just what they don’t do.
    Positive Sentiment Override: How to Build the Lens That Protects Relationships

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