Coaching practices for Relationship Anti Goals
Describe almost anything you are working through and IX Coach finds the practices whose real-world fit is closest. For Relationship Anti Goals, these are the strongest matches in the current practice library.
Does this sound like the set of challenges you might be facing?
- This used to be something I wanted, but ever since my boss started tracking it and someone’s always checking in, it’s curdled into a chore I do for them
- I keep getting dazzled by how brilliant or charming someone is and signing up to work or partner with them, and then the exact same painful pattern I’ve been burned by before
- I’m years into chasing something I committed to as a different version of myself, and it doesn’t fit who I am now
- We keep having the same fight that never resolves, and lately I’ve started to suspect it isn’t really about the thing we argue over
- On paper I’ve hit the goal
Practices that may help
- Goal Systems Theory: How Goals Work Together (and Against Each Other)
Arie Kruglanski’s goal systems theory proposes that goals and the means to achieve them form an associative network in the mind, with each element linked to others. When a single means can serve multiple goals (multifinality), motivation is amplified; when goals compete for the same means or time (goal conflict), pursuing one can suppress or extinguish motivation for another. The theory is well-developed conceptually with a body of supporting experimental research. - Protect your sense of autonomy while pursuing the goal
Keep the goal yours even when a coach, boss, or partner is involved in it.
Self-Concordant Goals, Made Practical - Apply anti-goals to relationships and collaborators
Naming the relational patterns you refuse to accept prevents you from optimising for the wrong things in who you work or live with.
Anti-Goals: Defining Success by What You Refuse to Accept - Review goal-self fit at regular intervals
As you grow, some formerly self-concordant goals become misaligned — review them deliberately.
Self-Concordant Goals, Made Practical - Anti-Goals: Defining Success by What You Refuse to Accept
Anti-goals, popularised by entrepreneur Andrew Wilkinson, are explicit statements of the outcomes, conditions, and trade-offs you refuse to accept — defined before deciding what to pursue. They complement positive goal-setting by creating a decision filter that eliminates technically "successful" outcomes that would make you miserable. The framework is a practitioner heuristic with no direct experimental study, but it applies well-supported principles from decision science and values-clarification. - Explore each other’s life dreams
Ask what your partner’s cherished goals and aspirations are — not just their plans.
The Shared Meaning System - Set lifestyle anti-goals to protect daily experience, not just outcomes
The quality of your daily experience matters — define the daily conditions you refuse to accept, not just the outcomes.
Anti-Goals: Defining Success by What You Refuse to Accept - Relevant — anchor it to what you actually want
Confirm the goal serves a value or larger aim you genuinely hold.
SMART Goals That Actually Move - Three-goals prioritization: objective, relationship, or self-respect?
Before entering a difficult conversation, decide which of the three goals matters most right now.
DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: Getting What You Need Without Destroying the Relationship - Using your ranked values as a coaching north star
Return to your ranked values list every time a goal, project, or decision feels off-track.
Values Card Sort
Related concerns
- Andrew Wilkinson Anti Goals
Anti-goals, popularised by entrepreneur Andrew Wilkinson, are explicit statements of the outcomes, conditions, and trade-offs you refuse to accept — defined before deciding what to pursue. They complement positive goal-setting by creating a decision filter that eliminates technically "successful" outcomes that would make you miserable. The framework is a practitioner heuristic with no direct experimental study, but it applies well-supported principles from decision science and values-clarification.
- Anti Goals Defining Success By What You Refuse To Accept With My Partner
Anti-goals, popularised by entrepreneur Andrew Wilkinson, are explicit statements of the outcomes, conditions, and trade-offs you refuse to accept — defined before deciding what to pursue. They complement positive goal-setting by creating a decision filter that eliminates technically "successful" outcomes that would make you miserable. The framework is a practitioner heuristic with no direct experimental study, but it applies well-supported principles from decision science and values-clarification.
- Goal Conflict
Goals that compete for the same time or emotional bandwidth will suppress each other — make the conflict explicit.
Surface goal conflicts before they undermine each other
- Why Goals Fail
Stretch goals only produce honest effort when missing them is treated as data, not failure.
Create psychological safety around missing a stretch target
- Anti Goal Definition
Anti-goals, popularised by entrepreneur Andrew Wilkinson, are explicit statements of the outcomes, conditions, and trade-offs you refuse to accept — defined before deciding what to pursue. They complement positive goal-setting by creating a decision filter that eliminates technically "successful" outcomes that would make you miserable. The framework is a practitioner heuristic with no direct experimental study, but it applies well-supported principles from decision science and values-clarification.
- Anti Goal Framework
Arie Kruglanski’s goal systems theory proposes that goals and the means to achieve them form an associative network in the mind, with each element linked to others. When a single means can serve multiple goals (multifinality), motivation is amplified; when goals compete for the same means or time (goal conflict), pursuing one can suppress or extinguish motivation for another. The theory is well-developed conceptually with a body of supporting experimental research.
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